The Pirate Groom
by Queen of Pi
Summary: More of a parody of the book then the movie, it is the story of a Prince who must give up all for the one he loves, at least thats the theory.
1. The Bride

**Disclaimer- **If I ownd any f this i wouldn't need to write fan fics, people would pay me for my work.

**Note- T**his is written in the voice of William Goldman himself.

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_As when I abridged _The Princess Bride _my abridgments will be in this fancy italic type. The other text is S. Morgenstern at his finest._

_For some unknown reason, S. Morgenstern decided to start one of the greatest tales of all time, _The Pirate Groom_, with a 65 page overview of the currency in Guilder. While to him, the details may be of utmost importance, these facts have absolutely nothing to do with the plot. For this reason, I have cut all of chapter one._


	2. The Groom

**Disclaimer- **I own nothing. Don't sue me though, I have a layer and I'm not afraid to use it.

**Note- **This chapter is also short, though not as short as the last one. As I get more comfortable with the writing style, the chapters will get longer, but please bear with me until then.

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When Prince James was born, the most annoying person in the world was a carpenter named Luther von Kvetchin. All day long he would complain and annoy people with his constant chatter. Finally, a young man in the town, known as Jasper, slipped poaisen into luther's porridge. Though the miracle men managed to save him from death, his tounge had swelled so much that he was never able to speak again, much to the relief of the entire town.

When Prince James was two months old, the most annoying person in the world was Reindo de Lithogoco. The spoiled Reindo insisted on playing his music too loud at every party, and always played the worst music possible, a type similar to the trash played nowadays.

_Me again. Morgenstern really doesn't like loud, modern music, and it took him 34 pages to tell say so. I have cut out those pages._

After everyone in a three mile radius had gone deaf, a young girl named Laura finally told him off. This stunned Reindo so much that he stopped playing his music and switched to pastry baking.

When Prince James was seventh months old, the most annoying person was a writer by the name of Diana Smith. This misguided writer insisted on writing thousands of pages on angst.

_Morgenstern decided that he would give a "short" example of Diana's writing style. Aftrer reading three paragraphs, in which all of the heroine's children manage to die grusome deaths and a late letter casues 17 heart attacks, a stubbed toe, and twelve murders, I could no longer continue reading the segment. To preserve the sanity of all involved, I have decided to cut all 37 and a half pages of it._

_It appears that before he got into the story itself, Morgenstern decided to air all his grievances with the modern world. The experts on Guilder claim that that is the beauty of the novel, but I have chosen to stick to the actual plotline._

By the time Prince James was one year old, he had learned to talk. Not only had he learned to talk, but he had learned to repeat every thing around him. He could repeat word for word whole conversations at the exact moment when such a comment would be least welcome. He would parrot everyone he met line for line.

He was 368 days old, and the most annoying person in 103 years.

He had had that title for fifteen years before his poor mother (a lovely woman. before her son's antics drove her tio speak nothing but gibberish she had been an acomplished poet.) kicked him off the dock into the bay.

Luckily for the man, he landed in the middle of one of the most amazing ships of all time, the _Crimson Gull. _This ship, captained by the Dread Pirate Roberts, was one of the most advanced ships of its time….

_Morgenstern here launches into a long, 23 page description of the advanced sailing methods of the ship. Even the Florin experts agree that almost all of _The Pirate Groom_'s historical significance is lost by this omission. My editor though, could not understand a word of the description and firmly backed me in my decision to cut the whole thing._

_During the rest of the chapter, James progresses up the social ladder on the pirate ship, going from valet to first mate. Due to a trade boyctt by both Florin and Guilder, the ship fails to raid a single ship during that time._


End file.
